I was in an online group the other day—one I’d paid to be a part of, with 75 stunning, high-level people convened all in one room, but no one was speaking up. Everyone there—CEOs, leaders, champions for causes—was a certified ruckus maker, and yet the conversation was completely staid. Nobody was talking, nothing was flowing, and we were all milling around (in that way that happens in virtual rooms).
I could tell that the group was in danger. In the tiny screen windows, I could tell people’s eyes were starting to glaze over, attention flicking back to email (or any other browser), and the video cameras started to turn off. Within another week or two, people would fizzle out and then leave permanently, or become “lurkers,” waiting for someone else to speak up, but never gaining traction.
After being in dozens of communities and studying how to build them, I was pretty sure I could spot the problem. Over the past ten years, I’ve lead communities, online events, offline events, and private brainstorms & retreats, and I’ve studied with Seth Godin, Jenny Sauer Klein, Desiree Adaway, and more about facilitation design.
We—the participants, these 75 high-prestige leaders—didn’t have a clear direction we would head together, and we hadn't been given, or created, any group guidelines. As a result, we didn't feel safe enough to speak up. So the conversation flopped.
When people sign up for group programs or events, they sign up for an idea or a vision. But beyond the vision, the invisible architecture of any group space is the container that people agree to be in together. This “container” is held up by boundaries, even if they’re invisible. These edges are the group guidelines.
What’s a guideline? It’s the rule for playing the game. Soccer isn’t that much fun if you don’t know where the edge of field is, what the goal is, and that you’re not allowed to touch the ball with your hands. Likewise, any group that you convene will need to have strong guidelines for how to act, what to say, what to share, and what’s not allowed.
One of my specialties is creating space for deep conversations specicially—brave, vulnerable, open conversations about topics that are normally taboo. In one of my pop-up sessions, I got the following feedback:
One of the reasons The Wise Women's Council, one of the communities I run, creates space for such deep conversations is because for the first several weeks and months we spend time creating clear ground rules so we know what to expect, what conversations we can have, and how we'll respond to each other when we share our brave and vulnerable truths. Setting ground rules is the work you must do in order to get a great group off the ground.
Lean in closer and I'll tell you a few of my secrets.
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Why group guidelines are the secret sauce for amazing events
"Sarah, I always feel so much better after your Zoom calls. What is it? How do you do it?"
I love hosting zoom calls, retreats, dinner parties, events, you name it. I like people, I've learned to love asking questions, and I want to get deep into connection and storytelling. But great stories and great connections don't just happen.
Have you ever been to an event where immediately your guard is up? Where the net-work-ing smacks of status signaling and awkward engagements? When you want to just leave and Irish Goodbye your way out of the room as fast as you can?
It all comes down to group guidelines. You MUST have group guidelines in order for your event or gathering to go well. This applies to teams, too.
Don't just throw a bunch of people in a room without an agenda, a leader, a facilitation plan, or any guidelines. That's a recipe for a slow, painful, sorry zoom call where people leave feeling slightly more dead inside. Most people know to have a plan and a facilitator, but they forget to have guidelines.
Your guidelines should:
Tell people what behavior and outcomes are expected and hoped for.
Clearly articulate the posture, sayings, phrases, or ways-of-being that your group stands for.
Answer the question "People like us... do things like this," a phrase I've learned time and time again from Seth Godin.
Clearly articulate what is not acceptable and what behaviors aren't allowed.
Invite people to show up as their best.
People like to be clued in to what's expected, how to behave, and we want to trust that other people will show up for us the way we show up for them. One of the best ways to do this is through group guidelines.
Ideally, the best guidelines for a group are framed in a positive manner, rather than a list of restrictions. But, when drafting your guidelines, it's very likely your first draft will be a long list of ‘nopes—then it's your job to flip them and create their positive opposites. In effect, you want to call people UP to their best behavior, not create a floor for their worst behavior. Here's an example. Both are appropriate and work well, depending on the group.
No foul language, shaming, or hate speech allowed.
We welcome positive language, PG self-control, and supportive language towards your peers. Be kind and generous with each other.
Here's what our guidelines look like inside The Wise Women's Council, and other groups I run.
Okay, I'm going to show you our exact guidelines for the community that we run. Please do not copy-paste these to your own group—it won't work if you do that. You'll need to develop your own guidelines based on who you're with, what your group is for, and what your goals are. I'll walk you through ours as an example.
In The Wise Women's Council, we're focused on having deep, honest, brave conversations with women leaders about the challenges and struggles of being a working parent. People may have been trying to have kids for years, they may be subject to awful peers in the workplace, they may be completely slammed by the pandemic—business and babies ask us to be brave and they can make us quite raw.
Conversations that are judgmental, full of advice, or devoid of active listening can make people feel even more alone, unseen, and frustrated. That is the *opposite* of our goal. We want this space to feel kind, inviting, encouraging, and supportive.
These are our group guidelines:
1. Use the phrase "in my experience."
When folks use global phrases like "we all" or "everybody thinks" or "it's always..." we can risk invalidating other people's experiences when what we're trying to do is share our own. I ask people to use these three words whenever they are talking about their stories and experience so it leaves ample room and space for other people to have similar, different, and varied experiences.
2. Take good care of people, including yourself.
Get water if you need it, use the bathroom, turn your video off if you need a screen break. Speak up when you need something, ask courageously for what you want. If you need to lie down and listen, do that. Take full care of yourself and your body as well as the other people on the call.
3. We strive to give everyone space to feel safe, seen, supported and heard.
We center the people in the hot seat, and focus on them. We use active listening skills. We validate their experiences even if they might be different than ours. Phrases like "Thank you for telling me," and "that must be hard for you," and "what was that like for you?" and "I'm so glad you shared that with us" are all very common in our group.
4. Your story is yours to share—ask permission to share other people's stories.
Folks can get so excited after a call that they want to rush out and tell everyone about what happened (and I get that impulse, it happens to me too!). But people share bravely and vulnerably and it's important to respect their confidentiality. So, we have a rule: if you want to share someone else's story, ask their permission first.
5. Limit blanket advice.
Advice feels good to give—for the giver. It doesn't always feel good for the receiver, especially if they haven't really explored their own thoughts or mind first. Most people, most of the time, need more space and listening before they need advice rushed in on them. Advice is like blankets. One blanket is nice if you're cold, but more than one and it's just a smother of more work you have to do to wade out from under it.
6. Being vulnerable can be hard, but deeply rewarding.
This is our goal—to create a space where people can feel safe to do the hard work of self-examination. To learn where things are getting stuck, and to admit and be honest about our fears or our failings. This is not easy to do. This can be really rough, hard, and challenging. But when we're in the company of supportive people who care, who are kind, and who let us have space to show up imperfectly messy, that's when the magic happens.
If you have group guidelines that have served you or the places you go, I'd love to hear about them. Leave a comment below and tell me what some of your favorite community guidelines are. Who is doing this well? Who should I learn from? How did they help you or others show up at your best?