This essay spoke to me deeply. I remember feeling isolated when my son was a baby but once he started preschool, I had my 50 people and then some, other folks and their kids and their extended families too sometimes, aunts and cousins and grandparents. It was great! And I worked in an office so there were my work people too!
Then he started high school and all the connections fizzled as the kids went to different schools, and once Covid hit, no more office.
The last 1/2 dozen years have brought me to a level of loneliness I’ve never felt before, maybe becuz I know how different it can be.
I’d be hard pressed to come up with 50 people now (unless the neighbors I wave to count).
And I’m an introvert so the idea of starting something… I have two millennial couples living on either side of me—sometimes I think of inviting them over but I’m not that gregarious. I did ask one of them to go for a walk once and she obliged, but had never reciprocated. Oh well.
For what it’s worth, Elle. As a millennial neighbor, If you invited me over or for a walk. I’d be delighted. And if one says no, that’s why you have 2 options 😉
I think that’s one of the reasons why we’re all so polarized (politically yes, but even beyond that)… we’re so divided, it’s easier for ideology to “conquer” us. We truly operate better and more compassionately when we’re in greater numbers. And it makes life so much richer and enjoyable.
I so agree. We're not close enough to each other to figure out ways we *have* to get along and disagree. Plus, sometimes the most effective change has to happen on the home front -- community by community, re-stitching our lives together.
Yes! I think sometimes we want to make big systemic changes happen without realizing the change happens in small ways and then before you know it, it’s accumulated into something bigger!
Love this. You know that saying about meeting people you need to meet when you need them. This is article is just that. I was sharing a note on my lack of friendship today at my age (50+), despite being married with kids, and, to be honest, I felt a bit weird for sharing it! But what you share about Kurt Vonnegut really hit home(!) to me. I'll leave a link to my note below, which refers to research on this matter, and thank you for sharing this post, I think it might be life-changing to me and a lot of other people. Thanks, Mark.
Hey Mark, Yeah in my experience the friendship circle gets smaller as we travel on. I’m in my late 60’s and have started to reach back a bit and rekindle some of the friendships that faded for no conscience reason - just faded. (Job changes,moves,raising families)
And I’m making an effort to add folks or at least be open to it when meeting new people.
I read your suggested link, and I like her perspective as well. In particular, don’t keep score or judge yourself as you think of connections and friendships. That surely would be counterproductive.
At least for me though I find that connections and friendships to be helpful to my well being. I think a big part of that is “service”. There is a lot of research about the connection of increased well being with being of service to other humans. And friendships require us to give of ourselves to others.
Not recommending relationships that are off balance with one person being the giver and one the receiver- that is not really friendship. Good boundaries make for good friendships.
As men, we sometimes let our friendship circle shrink to levels where we don’t have the support we need. I think it’s a good idea to pump the breaks at some point and do a bit of work to maintain the friendships you have and perhaps be open to adding a few along the way.
This is so wonderful, Sarah. Our culture that’s hell bent on individualism doesn’t help much either. But it’s posts like this and moments of in person connection that make me hopeful that people are starting to wake up to the necessity of more people. More interaction. More community!
I feel this so deeply. I think ppl have gotten into this idea of “curating” their social groups and ignoring anyone who doesn’t meet their criteria. I certainly used to do this. It’s capitalism and consumerism applied to relationships and the result is about what you’d expect.
Really loved this post, Sarah. Made me smile. I'm from London and have been living in Spain for the last 10 years and as someone now in their 50s, connecting with people is a challenge. Loneliness and isolation are part of the human condition perhaps, but I'm eternally optimistic, looking for and trying to create new communities and connections. One of the primary reasons for my recently joining Substack.
Me too! I think writing and online communities can be such a bolster to our lives and social needs, but they are an addition, not a replacement.
Local community can be SO hard. I joined the local library and the local community college classes for adults just to do more activities with other people.
Oh thank you Pooja! For the last few years, it's been my go-to phrase whenever I find myself nit-picking or fighting. "You're not 50 people," makes it somehow not my fault (or his fault), but a breakdown in the larger structure — yet on a scale that I can maybe do something about.
“What should young people do with their lives today? Many things, obviously. But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured.”
“…number one American killer [isn't] cardiovascular disease, but loneliness.”
Kurt Vonnegut truly had great insight into the problem of loneliness.
This was very moving. The loss of the village is real! It’s also exacerbated by moving away/abroad, which has become such a normal part of modern life. This wasn’t something that crossed my mind back then.
This essay spoke to me deeply. I remember feeling isolated when my son was a baby but once he started preschool, I had my 50 people and then some, other folks and their kids and their extended families too sometimes, aunts and cousins and grandparents. It was great! And I worked in an office so there were my work people too!
Then he started high school and all the connections fizzled as the kids went to different schools, and once Covid hit, no more office.
The last 1/2 dozen years have brought me to a level of loneliness I’ve never felt before, maybe becuz I know how different it can be.
I’d be hard pressed to come up with 50 people now (unless the neighbors I wave to count).
And I’m an introvert so the idea of starting something… I have two millennial couples living on either side of me—sometimes I think of inviting them over but I’m not that gregarious. I did ask one of them to go for a walk once and she obliged, but had never reciprocated. Oh well.
The essay gave me food for thought!
For what it’s worth, Elle. As a millennial neighbor, If you invited me over or for a walk. I’d be delighted. And if one says no, that’s why you have 2 options 😉
I think that’s one of the reasons why we’re all so polarized (politically yes, but even beyond that)… we’re so divided, it’s easier for ideology to “conquer” us. We truly operate better and more compassionately when we’re in greater numbers. And it makes life so much richer and enjoyable.
I so agree. We're not close enough to each other to figure out ways we *have* to get along and disagree. Plus, sometimes the most effective change has to happen on the home front -- community by community, re-stitching our lives together.
Yes! I think sometimes we want to make big systemic changes happen without realizing the change happens in small ways and then before you know it, it’s accumulated into something bigger!
Thanks for posting this- Vonnegut is so right , we all need people in our lives
I loved every word of this.
And it's inspiring me to invest even more heavily in my local community.
Appreciate you Sarah, and I'm proud to consider you one of my fifty.
(lets get that westchester meetup going! I've been slowly recruiting)
I’d love that! Let’s start with a few! My back still has issues so it’s all a little soupy but YES.
Wow. What a powerful read up that resonates deeply. Thank you, Sarah, for the inspiring food for thought I'll be eating on for a while I think:)
Love this. You know that saying about meeting people you need to meet when you need them. This is article is just that. I was sharing a note on my lack of friendship today at my age (50+), despite being married with kids, and, to be honest, I felt a bit weird for sharing it! But what you share about Kurt Vonnegut really hit home(!) to me. I'll leave a link to my note below, which refers to research on this matter, and thank you for sharing this post, I think it might be life-changing to me and a lot of other people. Thanks, Mark.
https://substack.com/@whichwayhow/note/c-64346539
Hey Mark, Yeah in my experience the friendship circle gets smaller as we travel on. I’m in my late 60’s and have started to reach back a bit and rekindle some of the friendships that faded for no conscience reason - just faded. (Job changes,moves,raising families)
And I’m making an effort to add folks or at least be open to it when meeting new people.
I read your suggested link, and I like her perspective as well. In particular, don’t keep score or judge yourself as you think of connections and friendships. That surely would be counterproductive.
At least for me though I find that connections and friendships to be helpful to my well being. I think a big part of that is “service”. There is a lot of research about the connection of increased well being with being of service to other humans. And friendships require us to give of ourselves to others.
Not recommending relationships that are off balance with one person being the giver and one the receiver- that is not really friendship. Good boundaries make for good friendships.
As men, we sometimes let our friendship circle shrink to levels where we don’t have the support we need. I think it’s a good idea to pump the breaks at some point and do a bit of work to maintain the friendships you have and perhaps be open to adding a few along the way.
I cannot wait for October!!!
SAME!!
Vonnegut was a wise man. I love his work so much that I stuck Vonnegut Easter eggs in my most recent novel.
This is so wonderful, Sarah. Our culture that’s hell bent on individualism doesn’t help much either. But it’s posts like this and moments of in person connection that make me hopeful that people are starting to wake up to the necessity of more people. More interaction. More community!
I feel this so deeply. I think ppl have gotten into this idea of “curating” their social groups and ignoring anyone who doesn’t meet their criteria. I certainly used to do this. It’s capitalism and consumerism applied to relationships and the result is about what you’d expect.
Makes absolute sense!
Those are really nice and happy people photos!
Really loved this post, Sarah. Made me smile. I'm from London and have been living in Spain for the last 10 years and as someone now in their 50s, connecting with people is a challenge. Loneliness and isolation are part of the human condition perhaps, but I'm eternally optimistic, looking for and trying to create new communities and connections. One of the primary reasons for my recently joining Substack.
Me too! I think writing and online communities can be such a bolster to our lives and social needs, but they are an addition, not a replacement.
Local community can be SO hard. I joined the local library and the local community college classes for adults just to do more activities with other people.
Loved this one sarah
Oh thank you Pooja! For the last few years, it's been my go-to phrase whenever I find myself nit-picking or fighting. "You're not 50 people," makes it somehow not my fault (or his fault), but a breakdown in the larger structure — yet on a scale that I can maybe do something about.
“What should young people do with their lives today? Many things, obviously. But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured.”
“…number one American killer [isn't] cardiovascular disease, but loneliness.”
Kurt Vonnegut truly had great insight into the problem of loneliness.
Can't tell you how much I needed to read this today. Thank you
This was very moving. The loss of the village is real! It’s also exacerbated by moving away/abroad, which has become such a normal part of modern life. This wasn’t something that crossed my mind back then.